Have you ever had the feeling you weren’t made for this earth? There are days I am convinced I may never realize satisfaction in this life.
I think of our beginning, the idea that we were created for connection and fellowship with God. Deep down, something within me seems to remember the garden where humanity began; there seems to be traces of it in my DNA. As the song says we long to return; because we know that’s where we belong! And yet, there’s another part of me that seams bent on living out my illusions of freedom and autonomy.
I convince myself almost daily that maybe I can create another garden where my soul can find rest and encounter love. In countless and repetitive decisions to exercise my free will, I’ve created numerous weed-infested gardens of compulsion and idolatry. Instead of bouquets of rest I busy myself cultivating and harvesting addiction and self-preoccupation. And in the midst of all that work, while my restlessness grows, my heart longs for something that is both familiar and seemingly unattainable.
And then it happens, it typically accompanies my overwhelming exhaustion, it begins with surrender of my ways and submission to His ways. Something clicks into place and my narcissism disappears. When I abdicate the throne of my life, peace ensues. Something wonderful occurs as I align myself to His love for me. I go home. No more competitions. No more comparisons. No more shame and fear. No more condemnation. Instead I am met with unconditional acceptance. I am embraced as the mess I am. I am now His restoration project; no longer do I need to strive in my feeble attempt at being who I think He wants me to be.
This is the spiritual journey I am on.