I wouldn’t say my transition to motherhood was a smooth one.
Our first pregnancy was a surprise and sometimes I looked at myself and didn’t see a 22 year old. My body felt older and much too tired to be in my early 20’s. I tried to maintain the social life I thought I deserved but I only wore myself out.
Beyond the tiredness and through a series of financial struggles we also went from two cars to one, and so the limited social interactions I had were practically eliminated entirely.
I was home 5 days a week with two kids under two and it felt brainless…
I knew I was discontent and it was not how I wanted to live. It’s not how I wanted to mother. And so I prayed for a contented heart. For beauty to be revealed in the most ordinary places. Slowly but surely I was able to embrace the new season I was in.
The duties of motherhood can feel small and insignificant. But I was able to go from feeling deprived and unappreciated to grateful and fulfilled.
During this time I still wasn’t leaving the house much. Our living room was also our master bedroom so having people over for playdates wasn’t really an option unless we were close enough for it to be ok for them to sit on my bed while we hung out.
Social media became a social outlet of sorts. I was able to stay in touch with people and have some adult conversation without having to leave the house. It also became a journal to me. I was able to process life and motherhood and connect with other moms who felt similar isolation.
Normally, this kind of social interaction would not have been sufficient for me. And I know that many things contributed to my change of mindset, but mostly I just had to learn to serve where God had me.
Though frustration at times, right now, God has me at home, raising two (almost three!) daughters. Homeschooling one - watching her mind grow and expand and get excited every time she makes new connections. And teaching the other in a myriad of different ways - trying to learn about her special needs and create an atmosphere that embraces her but still pushes her to overcome new milestones.
Sometimes, it can feel overwhelming, but most days I really do count it all as a gift to be their mother and be the one who is learning and laughing and battling alongside them.
I have watched my heart grow and change which I think is the Lord’s intention for every circumstance in my life. I don’t believe He causes all things but I do believe He uses all things. I only have to embrace each season He brings me through and trust that He can use my small service in big ways…
- Amanda Gregory